


My Terrible Day in New York

by KPesh123



Series: My Boomin' Memoirs [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - Chefs, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Pizza Place, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Autobiography, Bad Cooking, Bad Writing, Chefs, Chinese Food, College, Comfort Food, Cooking, Field Trip, Food, Good Writing, Italy, Late Night Writing, Memoirs, New York City, Other, Pizza, Reviews, Touring, Tourism, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:00:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26259808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123
Summary: This is a food review of a field trip I took in New York City last year.  It gives insight into my life at college as well as my taste in food.  This piece is different from any other, this is entirely true and fit for all ages to read, unlike my other works.  Please enjoy my G-rated, true content.
Series: My Boomin' Memoirs [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1905700





	My Terrible Day in New York

**Author's Note:**

> This is my stab at a food review. Unlike any other work I have done. Please read My Boomin' Memoirs, which are true stories.

My Terrible Day in New York 

A food review of Downtown Manhattan

It was the very beginning of my freshman year at Drew University. Everyone in the freshman class was required to go on a field trip into New York City and learn about whatever their DSEM was studying. DSEM was a course required which set out to brainwash students into a leftist mindset, this didn’t need to happen however since society already failed these young feeble children into doing so already. At first I was confused as to why we, the entire freshman class at a university, had to take a field trip into New York. Isn’t this supposed to be college? Aren’t we supposed to be preparing for our future careers in the real world? This was starting to feel like high school all over again. Little did I know this would be the least of my concerns in the upcoming months. That is a story for another time however. 

The trip started on a Sunday morning. The previous night I drank vodka mixed with Margaritaville piña collada kool aid. Unfortunately I did not get drunk and better yet, my stomach was feeling the effects of it the next morning. I awoke a half hour before meet up time to my stomach feeling like it got hit with a cannon ball. I ran to my dorm bathroom and blew out the toilet with diarrhea. Luckily I popped two imodium and was good the rest of the day.

After a long train ride with the fakest friend group who forced themselves on me, we split up into our classes and took the subway to Downtown Manhattan. Along the way, a fellow classmate decided to be edgy and jump the turnstile, arousing no one but himself. 

My class trip was based in Little Italy and branched off into other parts of the area including the Jewish East Side and Chinatown. Luckily for us the San Gennaro Festival was taking place. When thinking of a food tour in Little Italy, one would assume a great Italian feast would be given to them with delicacies ranging from pastas to meals such as chicken parmesan. With the country’s most famous food festival taking place, one would expect the samples to be larger. That was what I expected from the tour, I couldn’t have been farther off. 

We met up with our professor on a corner of a random street in Downtown Manhattan. Once we were all there a very flamboyant male approached us. With denim shorts smaller than Daisy Duke’s, and a bright pink t-shirt around the same size, I knew we were in for a show. The very first thing our tour guide did was give us each a plantain he bought from the local grocery store. Having no symbolic reference to the city itself other than his explanation of “immigrants eat these,'' I quickly scarfed the dry fruit down in preparation for the real food I was expecting. We worked our way down into the Jewish East Side, stopping to look at old dilapidated buildings that Boss Tweed funded centuries ago. After a lecture about immigrant conditions, we reached our next stop, a Jewish delicatessen. At first I was hoping to try a fresh New York bagel or something kosher related. All the class was given were slices of the driest bread imaginable. Whether it be Challah or Matzo, this bread was what would usually be served for free yet never consumed at a fancy restaurant. No matter how dry and dull I found the bread, my peers raved about it and even wanted seconds. We then had pickles from the restaurant next door. I myself happen to enjoy a good pickle every now and then, this did not satisfy my needs. A pickle is either really good or downright atrocious. This pickle I had found itself on the latter of the two. 

We then started to walk over to Chinatown making pit stops along the way again. This time our group stopped at an old building that was once the headquarters for a communist newspaper. For some reason the tour guide decided the building was an important part of New York history even though the newspaper lasted only a few years and was killed by the red scare. On the front of the building were statues of Karl Marx and Vladimir Lenin. My entire class was enthralled with the shrine to the mass murderers, especially one girl who was trying very hard to be my friend. It was something about her gigantic smile and the way she looked at the statues which made me want to take two bricks and hurle them at the faces of the communist leaders. Eventually we made it to Chinatown. 

In Chinatown we were given a piece of shrimp wrapped in a thick noodle on a stick. Almost the entire class didn’t eat it since they were vegetarians trying to help our environment. Although they may be trying to look like decent human beings, I happen to agree with Anthony Bourdain in saying that vegetarians actually offend many cultures by refusing to eat their meat oriented meals. Although I just defended China’s culture, I despised the food given to me. I ate the food and immediately gagged on it. Once again this dish was one of the blandest meals which had ever entered my mouth. If I recall correctly I spat the rest of it into a garbage can or shoved it in the communist girl’s face. It was that bad.

Finally came the grand finale I was waiting for the entire day, the San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy. With crowds of tourists flocking the city streets and restaurants open giving out samples of their food, I was expecting to enjoy an Italian feast. Much to my disappointment, we were given the exact opposite. Two small circles of pepperoni and salami along with one piece of provolone cheese was all we were given. We really walked for miles in the hot baking sun surrounded by sweaty tourists just to get pieces of horderves from a plastic box that would usually be put out at cocktail parties. For desert, our group was given cheap cannolis. It was here when the class photographer took a picture of me mid bite of a cannoli, she was taking pictures of me all day yet this was the one that made the school website and their Instagram page, just my luck. These guides say they put together a food tour? I don’t buy it. I had to waste my entire sunday morning eating horrible appetizers when I could’ve been sleeping in or catching up on my homework. 

The food tour was finally over. Our class was left stranded in the middle of New York City, free to do anything we wanted. If I had known at the time, I would’ve met up with my good friend Nick who was at the San Gennaro Festival the same day as me. Unfortunately we were not as good of friends as we are now, leaving me with the horrible group I was forced into, who would eventually shun me later on in the year. 

This group of friends and I met up in Penn Station. It’s funny, no matter how much they claim to be for distribution of wealth and sharing, they refused to give any money to the homeless who begged them in the train station. After angering Starbucks employees by waiting in their line only to selfishly waste their time by asking for free water, we went to possibly the most overrated pizza place in the city.

Joe’s Pizza near Times Square has to be the most overrated tourist trap in the entire city. The group and I waited in a line out the door for almost a half hour because they wanted to try this world famous pizza. In a hot crowded room with celebrity pictures on the walls, I finally got my slice. I wish Dave Portnoy of Barstool Sports was with me because he and I would’ve grilled this place in one of his Youtube pizza reviews. From a visual standpoint, the pizza looked unappetizing. Just one slice was greasier than a high school nerd’s hair. I could barely hold the slice in one hand since it was so flappy. I then gave the slice one bite. On the Portnoy Scale from one to ten, I would give the slice a solid three, nothing spectacular in the slightest. The pizza was not worth the hour long wait in the hot sun. I eventually took the train back to campus with the group where they acted cringey as usual, maybe even taking a few shots at me for not being like them. 

I woke up that morning looking forward to an educational tour of my favorite city along with eating the great food it has to offer. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity to be at the San Gennaro Festival, thousands travel across the world each year to experience such a cultural event. I expected fine italian foods, all I got were bland appetizers and a greasy slice of pizza. Although the trip was very disappointing, it would be nothing compared to the year ahead of me. This day only foreshadowed what was to come. 

  
  



End file.
